I also dont think cultural relativity is relevant when OP is clearly uncomfortable with his behaviour. One of my favorite Dan Savage letters was about whether they were broken up (his former girlfriends opinion) or not broken up (his preference, because it would mean he had to start dating again and who wants that bother?). A friend of mine was sort of that guy! my boss told me not to give greeting cards to older men because it could seem sexual, my coworker's husband is texting me and blaming me for their divorce, https://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/, https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-employee-is-refusing-to-travel-because-her-husband-said-she-cant.html, my manager and coworker are secretly dating, boss will never give exceeds expectations because he has high standards, and more, update: I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired, stolen sandwiches, disgusting fridges, dish-washing drama: lets talk about office kitchen mayhem, interviewer scolded me for my outfit, job requires an oath of allegiance, and more, update: a DNA test revealed the CEO is my half brother and hes freaking out, my entry-level employee gave me a bunch of off-base criticism. Its adult Disneyland with spendy big-name restaurants, booze and slot machines, at this point. Seriously, OP this is *NOT* normal. She needs to act on whats happening, and then maybe delve into the why with AAMs excellent advice. I think. Yes!! We are often there and then take the metro across town to the apartment where we stay at midnight. I go on business trips. I dont much care for Vegas. Your level of trust in him. I like having the house to myself for a weekend. I also suffer from anxiety that could be debilitating, if I allowed it to be. Yeah and Ill add that it makes the advice people are giving much less likely to be effective/heard/followed by the OP if people are attacking a man she presumably loves and finds reasonable outside of this situation. Good for you,OP, for asking how to deal with a difficult situation. These dudes tend to not understand how little theyre contributing in any significant fashion, and theyre shockedshocked!when the women theyre with realize whats going on and leave them. He called to tell me he won a bunch of money at Black Jack and was getting free drinks. I would be surprised if it were anything more than a coincidence, but I think that reading that letter/advice/comments could be beneficial for this OP to see how it would likely be perceived if she did refuse to take the trip at her husbands behest. Create an account or log in to participate. You just reminded me that a lot of Mormon fundamentalist families live in the suburbs of Vegas because people dont bother polygamist families out there like they do in Utah. My then-husband and I spent three days in Vegas with two other couples, and the most sinful thing we did was see a strip show that our group leader had accidentally bought us all tickets to. Later I saw an art exhibit. If anything those are probably among the safer places in the country. I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy?. I posted above about his great and powerful They. The Everybody who agrees with him. He may make it seem like you are choosing your career over your marriage, which of course causes you to feel guilty, but as my good friend said recently youre not choosing your career over him, youre choosing yourself over him. Im trying to take that advice to heart OP, hope you can too! I mean There isnta rash of kidnappings in Las Vegas, and what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas is an advertising slogan forcollege students and weddingparties, not a warning to spousesof business travelers. And in 2 days Im heading east solo for a wedding. My wife has these same kinds of fears during my daily commute, let alone when I travel for business. Youre the breadwinner? A relationship problem is not necessarily a problem where both people in the relationship are doing something wrong, but a problem that affects the relationship. My only regret about that trip was that it was so last-minute I couldnt get a ticket for my boyfriend, who has never been to Vegas and would have also enjoyed wandering through the hotels and playing a few slots for the free drinks. You have to go because if you refuse, that will absolutely jeopardize your standing in the company. If his anxiety is more travel related than trust related, there may besome reasonable actions you can take together to smooth them out. It's not super fun, but not a nightmare either. And people loooooove the lotto tix here. Anxiety is also a real possibility and I hate how offhandedly its been dismissed in most comments. Its just as likely that hes just jealous and controlling, like every other sap who clamps down on his partners autonomy. Talk about what services you provide. (I do apologize that my intention to be helpful wasnt completely clear). But instead of abuse and control and severely anxious the LW might be part of a cultural/ethnic subgroup where her role as breadwinner (and one that is doing well) that is a woman who is making more than husband is not the norm in her community and there is all sorts of talking/gossiping/pressure in the background at play. There are tons of huge conferences that take place there all the time. My husband usually goes on an annual drinking trip with his buddies (they all go to a particular beer festival in a nearby city). My hunny is not a fan of me getting up at 4:30 and going running in the dark by myself. A 14 hour road trip is long enough, but it's going to be way longer than that with a 3 month old. Remember the man who wanted his female co-worker to dress like a Little House on the Prairie extra? While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. While we were there, her then-husband called and texted her literally every ten minutes. I dated a guy like that! Im anxious and so is my Mother, so Ive been on both sides of this, and I have a lot of sympathy for you, OP, and for your spouse too. Co-worker had a wonderful time. But Im not lazy I just love my wife and after 8 yrs of marriage Im worried shes bored with me. This sounds less like anxiety and more like controlling/abusive behavior. People who cheat assume everyone else will cheat, too. I was admittedly super jealous when Booth got to go to Orlando because Disney World is a lifelong obsession of mine, but I didnt beg him not to go, or tell him that all the other wives I spoke to wouldnt allow it . Thanks for weighing in, Working Wife; were on your side, and we hope you can resolve this. If you do this, he will *hate* it; I did, and so did my Mother, when I started doing this. Could be true. If this resonates with you, OP, about your husbands behavior, something important to know is that there is no appeasing this line of thinking. Married people travel for work all the time, even to cities with a greater-than-their-fair-share amount of vices around, and they typically behave responsibly and stay faithful. And people are all I wouldnt let my wife go we have done bigger problems here. If youre happier and more successful without him, and what he brings to the table isnt enough anymore, its okay to opt out. He is ambitious & caring.His insecurities have gotten the best of him in this situation. Marriage CounselingDefinitely. What helped me was to realize that this is something Im prone to do, recognize it when its happening, and mentally tell myself whats real and whats not real. oh, and the dancing fountains at the Bellagio. Hahahaha! You would have to go out of your way to find a casino, a lavish bar with topless entertainment, or an escort service. If this isreally about more than the fear of cheating, it sounds like there arepretty serious anxiety issues in play here. The kidnapping/roofie argument is the same nonsense my parents used to justify not letting my sister and me go to slumber parties but my brothers could go on trips to Europe. Really? I used to travel 3 weeks out of the month from Wed-Sun for work and often traveled by myself to large cities as well as smaller locations and never felt unsafe. And AP, as your comment captures, and what Alisons advice does, is to put the LW in a position to find out which one it is. I dont know, maybe other people are able to work through this kind of thing, but I couldnt. (Im also not sure you can un-yoke controlling from its pejorative overtones, given that most of us have plenty of things wed require partners not do and we dont call ourselves controllingits always something somebody else does.). We're glad we did it to see it's totally do-able. I am actually going there next week. I came home to find my SO sitting on a bench, pissed and worried thought I should have called. As a side note to all of this, I watched the original CSI religiously for about 8 years, and had never been to Vegas (no easy opportunity and not really my thing). Los Vegas is known more for shows and EDM festivals than anything else these days. Unsurprisingly, this is a hard concept for controlling people to grasp; What do you mean, one person can unilaterally end a relationship with no input from the other person? My husband used to be pretty bad about my work trips, too. I have to remind myself of that sometimes; I think you should remind yourself that too. I am from Las Vegas, born and raised there. I wanted to get tickets for a show, but it was sold out. It may not necessarily be abusive, but it is controlling it doesnt get a pass just because other people would do it. And at the end of the day, it doesnt matter because every time, its about something that doesnt really have a right or wrong answer. The whole letting her go thing could be controlling or abusive, but it could also refer less to physical ability to go there and more not letting her go in peace, or without a bunch of needy whining adult tantrums. Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. Your husband is being unreasonable. Leave your phone on silent. From my experience with family members with these issues, I needed to learn how to help create a healing environment at home. Depending on your husband's interests and how often you plan to visit the parks, there may be a pass that suits his needs. Is it possible that the way OPs husband expressed this question to his friends was leading? Then we went to Hoover Dam on a tour. I would imagine thats what happens in Vegas for a great many solo work travelers. I hope they can find a solution. And if I only believed he was in danger because I have anxiety I cant control, this wouldnt help at allin fact, it would probably make the anxiety worse. In my experience, OP, the best thing you can do to convince him counseling is the answer is to focus on YOU when youre talking to him. I'd hate for you to miss out because of the trip! husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. My wife is suffering from both major depression and anxiety, and she has her individual sessions to work on her mental health issue and were in marriage counseling to work on ourselves as a couple. Him: I ignored it. Lastly, if you know your husband likes to stay home, bring the party to your house. I dont think hed bring up that the majority of people he asked thought he was wrong. One reputation of the city, deliberately played up in media, is that it is a raunchy sin city full of gamboling, sex, and wild parties. Las Vegas hotels have cameras everywhere. (I mean, ideally, theyd shut him down, but hopefully, at the very least, they dont actually agree and are just stuck talking to him about this against their will? This is about control. It doesnt take the anxiety away, but it seemed to dull some of the crazier bits. While that is a choice that some people wouldnt want to make, an annual business trip is very common. Please select a reason for escalating this post to the WTE moderators: Connect with our community members by starting a discussion. Honestly the greatest threat to LWs safety is probably lung cancer from second-hand smoke in the casinos. And voila- you're on the coast! Except I divorced mine. Where I was originally from in Ohio, there are schools that dont have proms because dancing is considered a vice, and thus shouldnt be promoted by a school. Might need to go back. Which is actually one of the reasons why I think this is not just a control issue. Anxiety is a beast, and the sooner he gets a support system and coping strategies in place for this kind of out-of-control thinking the better. Exactly. Like fposte said the husband would only mention his friends opinions if it supported his own. I think OP and her husband are from a more conservative background. Yeah, I saw that. Usually these things build up over time and abusive relationships (even if not intentionally abusive even if the partner really does have anxiety or whatever and is not TRYING to be controlling!) He may be social with neighbors and coworkers, but hes not a friendly guy. This. Thats a very important distinction to make, between thing in and not in the LWs control. HE is the one who needs counseling; going together would send the message that its an us issue. At first I was shocked, but that was only due to the misconceptions about that place. (like when one of his good friends turned 50). In THAT case, that is a super not-normal response, and its very strange that theres a whole group of people who support this thinking. Definitely ask him to go to counseling ASAP to work out these issues in your relationship and like Allison said, if he refuses to go it could be very helpful for you to go alone. Im sure your husband isnt a huge jerk or anything, but this is not healthy and he should not be pressuring you to do something that would risk your job. My mom has cooled off a bit now that Im almost 40 (!! If so, maybe its just a weird fixationbut if he often has nervous, fearful, or otherwise disproportionate reactions to things, it might be worth seeing if he can get some help with that. The only time my husband would object to a business trip of this kind is if I had to fund it myself or if it was a conflict to another event on our calendar (wedding or family vacation). Thats where domestic abuse resources and charts come in. Yeah, my cousin isnt allowed to travel without her husband. Its just easier to non-committally agree with someone, especially when their view is bananas, than to get into a row with them and get involved in their marital issues. I may have missed a comment already saying this, but looking for a way to put the husband in the best possible light, does he work in a field that never had business travel? seriously. On the one hand, youd have to be very clear that hed be on his own while youre in all those meetings/conferences/etc and that you cant spend that time with him but, on the other hand, it may be worthwhile to relieve his stress and anxiety. The trip should take about 2 and a half hours, but it took about 3 and a half because we had to stop so I could feed my daughter and change her. Actually, prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas and gambling is legal in a Million places in the United States. We dont know enough about how the spouse acts in other scenarios to draw larger conclusions. Lots to see and do. Her starting point is out of loveshe doesnt want to lose me. OP, I agree with the prior commenter who asked about your husbands travel experience. Marriage counseling implies that she has some part to play in this; individual therapy for him would help him manage his expectations of realistic safe behavior in a marriage and at work. My almost 60 year old mother goes to a medical conference in Las Vegas every year. I dont see it as misogynist. Most of them. He can express an opinion at most. Flying might be easier. Its simple to plan a conference because food, rooms, space are all within one building. Unlikely if its not part of her character, but certainly more possible than in Eerie, Pennsylvania. I have the same problem and have since I was a child. Sorry if I didnt tie that up explicitly enough. If OP and her husband are from perhaps a small conservative town and the husband has never been, theres a slim chance that hes reacting to this reputation. Im not judging one way or another Im simply suggesting that you look at your relationship through a bigger lens than just this trip. And (2) hes not paranoid, controlling or insecure. When I go Im all about getting to as many different and awesome restaurants as humanly possible, and sitting by a pool with a book, when some of my friends go its about the nightlife, when my husband goes its about the sportsbook (this was my long way of saying that I agree with you). Just those who DO think its abuse should be aware that when they think that, the best thing to suggest is individual not joint therapy. Companies dont plan things in Vegas to put their employees at risk. Group Leaders communicate with staff moderators and escalate potential violations for review, but they dont moderate discussions. Yeah Im kind of surprised people are acting like theyve never heard anything bad about Vegas. Its the inappropriate (in typical American business culture) reaction of the husband thats the issue here, not whether its legitimate to try and get out of business trips sometimes. Same! Breadwinner isnt necessarily sole provider. My ex used to pick up stupid little fun jobs part-time while he was going to college, while I was working full time and also going to college. Absolutely. And I do like some gambling. Hes using the great, ambiguous They to give his personal feelings more weight. And in really any city, conference facilities are going to be near entertainment options that arent strictly relevant to the business conference, because thats the nature of the city. LW, my husband would be honestly fine with me going to Vegas. (Ive been to LV exactly once, for work. I build these horrific scenarios in my mind about what supposedly happened. Your husband is way overreacting and yall need to figure out why. And shes the main provider in the family? Maybe hes an abusive dick. Note however, I dont think this excuses the employees OR means that its wrong to have a corporate event in Vegas. Even the others theyre married to. If you miss out on a promotion or are the first let go in the layoffs because you refused to go to this conference, you will look back on this with regret. Its often fine to bring spouses on work trips, but I definitely think she shouldnt bring him in this situation. If its phrased as Wife wants to go to Vegas without me for 3 days but go with a bunch of random guys Ive never met before!. OPs partners behavior is affecting her directly. I admit I am one of the omg WHAT commenters. Is that an issue as well? My take is that the uptick is in reporting and discussion, not the behavior itself. Meanwhile their actual problem is almost ignored. My Husband Didn't Want Me to Go on Vacation With His Family. Since its the church he was raised in, she feels like his judgement rules on that. He needs to understand that what happens in their marriage is between them (and their counselors) and not random strangers, acquaintances and friends. Shes too fair to be naked out in that desert sun.. I would completely understand if my partner were worried if I needed to go on one of these trips, but if he tried to FORBID me from goingyeah, that wouldnt go well for him. Because my husband trusts me. (except those gun dangers present everywhere in the US.). My husband has been for business conferences. Super reasonable! Marriage counseling is good for me so I know how to commute to her and not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off the on a tangent. He might have a collection of like-minded friends who really would agree with him. This is OPs husbands issue, not hers. Often to far away and less-than-ideal places, safety-wise, sometimes for 2+ weeks at a time, and pretty frequently alone. Yeah, I sometimes hear about people who really want a job with a lot of work travel, or people who think being a flight attendant would be really glamorous, and Im just like meh. I have anxiety, and so does my husband and this isnt really an anxiety reaction, but a control issue. Spouses dont LET. Youre five minutes late? If I were married and my husband told me that he honestly thought so little of me that he assumed I would cheat on him because I was going to Vegas for a business conference, I would be heartbroken. If you think a situation sounds abusive, please dont recommend couples therapy. Im flummoxed that a whole group of people would respond this way to a very normal thing like a business trip, particularly when presented with the reasoning OP outlined in the letter. I think some boundaries are needed here. My spouse (temporarily) lives in a different state than me and if I call them and they dont answer my mind immediately assumes that theyve been in a car accident. And Im sure theres a lot more I dont know about. In cases with a controlling spouse, marriage counseling is not recommended. or is it not? You write that he is friendly but just doesn't like to socialize outside of the house. Im wondering if hes ever been to Vegas? Again, not a concern for either of us. Ive visited Las Vegas several times and loved it. I always laugh about when I lived in the Bay Area and my mom would freak out anytime I mentioned doing something in Oaklandshe really could not understand how the city could possibly be different than the way it is portrayed in the media, and assumed I was walking into some drug/murder den on a frequent basis. In that case, marriage counseling is great. Not a geographic nexus of evil thats so perfect. If someone says they dont want to get married, theres probably a good reason in there. Well, they need to work on their relationship. Its important to you, and take not unreasonable that your employer would want you to go, nor is it an unreasonable place to go. Divorce is a valid option, if you choose to go down that road. Its definitely a huge red flag that your husband takes a winky tongue-in-cheek ad campaign that seriously. Sure, anxiety may be amplifying his concerns, but anxiety doesnt make a respectful, supportive, loving spouse demand that their wife refuse to attend a business trip. There doesnt seem to be a whole lot of recognition of either here. Maybe he needs counseling for anxiety. But its also wildly irrelevant in terms of a OPs business trip. I suspect he asked a leading question, something like My wifes company wants to send her to Vegas with a bunch of single guys who like to stay up late drinking. I think the conversation is worth having. One of our Bright Side readers sent us an e-mail pouring her heart out about a tricky situation she's going through. And do not to the best of your ability get wrapped up or play into his anxieties, or irrational fears. Illogical or inappropriate behaviors like this are not always a sign of mental illness and mental illness is not an excuse to be controlling or abusive, EVER. Hes gotten better over time, but he still guilt-trips me before I leave and makes sad noises about how he misses me so much and we never spend enough time together. Maybe this is anxiety and maybe it isnt not every illogical or inappropriate behavior is mental illness but mental illness is never an excuse to be controlling or abusive. Note: After I wrote this answer, I received more details about the letter-writer about exactly what her husbands objections are. Its fine. Granted, the event I was at was for a Fortune 100 company but in addition to the hotel security, they had private security and company reps everywhere. Answer (1 of 74): I can explain this with a story, which is below, but basically - you can't change someone else. Okay, I've been chewing on this for a few weeks. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationmobile homes for rent in patterson, la. Oh yeah, the concern for your safety. I didnt go on work trips while married to mine, but I remember going on a girls night out (bachelorette party, with a limo to take us places) and him being livid that I didnt call him during the evening to check in. Jeez, we all married the same guy. We hike through Red Rock Canyon or the Valley of Fire. Turned out my wife was in the backyard mowing but had taken a break before I drove up and my son was upstairs playing quietly on the computer. Ill be finding myself an apartment when I get back from Vegas. In this case, it sounds like OP is bearing the brunt of the disagreement and shes doing the lions share of being patient and accommodating the husband hes not doing much work to accommodate her needs. Even if it was a relatively nice day, the fact that there was snow on the road would just give him fits. Case in point: my father is terrified of everyone he loves dying and leaving him alone, to the point where I, as a 32 year old, was expected to text him and let him know when I left work, when I got home from work, if I was going out, if I was changing locations, etc. I lived in Ottawa, our nations capital and it all suburbs and boring. That leads me to believe his concerns are less altruistic. Grownups dont treat other grownups like this unless they are fundamentally abusive. Or is it just that hes an anxious person in general? You might want to change, but also can't. If you need to go out and do things, go do those with your friends and family, or even initially-strangers via v. It got dark on my (2-hour!) I personally hate Vegas, but I would never question the idea of sending a business trip there because its typically the cheapest place you can gather people from offices all over the continent. In summer it doesnt really get properly dark at all, and not until after midnight. I dont think that would help the situation, however. Im handling it by biting the dog that bit me and hes not happy. Like Winter says . His friends also wouldnt let their wives go? But because a good counselor will see that there is no point and dismiss the couple. In that couples case, I believe the wife was worried about being left alone at home, so the husband invited the wife to come with him on his trip, and at first she was planning to join him, but then her anxiety subsided and she decided to stay home and get together with friends in the hometown instead. You have three options in how to proceed: (1) You could say no to the trip (a week off can be just impossible to coordinate these days! it says they WOULD even let their significant others go, not wouldnt! To the letter writer, if your husband walked into a therapists office with Anonymous Posters comment and said, Thats what I want, the therapist would either be able to teach him that skill or refer him to someone who can. Sogoahead and book that trip, and then make sure you spend asmuch time relaxing aspossible before your departure. Even if you dont get fired or demoted, youre showing that you arent reliable to do normal business things, and youre missing out on opportunities to grow your career and to network etc. Not everything is OMG READ GIFT OF FEAR!!! It may not be, in this case. This is very aptly put Anonymous Poster. Why he wants to go alone. This sounds like a difficult situation, so do whats best for you. Some people get really over the top anxious about things like this such that it becomes its own problem, maybe even more of an independent factor than the sexism thing (which kind of compounds it because its a societal trope that reinforces some of what would otherwise seem more out there on the face of it). Im sorry, Im not trying to be a jerk, but if you dont think theres anything unwholesome about prostitution (direct quote) I think you may be a cultural outlier. Ifso, then wewould say that your husband has some personal issues that need toberesolved before hecan fully open and welcome you asapart ofhis family. Oh, good, dont have to worry about Massive Problem A oh hey, Medium Problem B, lets obsessively think about that for ages!. Thats worrying about what other people will do TO me. This is none of his business and catering to his insecurities is not your responsibility. Were in counseling together though, which is one of the reasons hes gotten better. He can see how boring Vegas really is. The more I advance in my company, an the more trips I take, the harder it gets. I hope he really is as great as you say, and that this is a one-off. Its just Vegas (and Disney) are more designed to keep you inside their controlled, predictable corporate environment so as to better separate you from your money. The following photos show exactly what can go wrong when you try to take a family photo. Also have casinos on boats. Aw, hell gonna cancel my reservation then! After the last Vegas conference 4 years ago, where more people got fired for misconduct than should have, my company has put a stop to holding regional or national conferences there. Get that man into counseling, pronto. Sure within reason. Apparently the husband hasnt been to Las Vegas recently, because now its like Disneyland with slot machines. I knew a woman who was very sincerely pious and churchgoing and lived her Christian values. OP, how long do you think you can tolerate his behavior? Vegas and Orlando are excellent places for corporate retreats because theyre relatively cheap to fly to and theyre set up for this kind of thing.

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