Your brain will only ever optimally respond to positive present tense affirmations such as " I am calm .". I dont think thats a coincidence. Why is England the wettest country? As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. My friends are like rocks, they help me through hard times. I am transforming into someone who is outgoing and makes others laugh. Im not running away from hard work, Im too lazy to run. I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! I dont need excuses, because I never mess things up. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 8. Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day. -Gandhi. Your values become your destiny. 153. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. Infographic: What is the Ultimate Commitment. I have a healthy body, tranquil mind and a vibrant soul. Sometimes these surprises are way too spectacular and sometimes way too tragic. Hence, avoid using past or future tenses. He said, 'So does the guy I stole it from.'" Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. 142. My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. 1. What do you call a bear with no teeth? Today, I am thankful for this week. Hes dreaming too. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. Just like every Monday does on Earth. Allow yourself to laugh if you feel the need. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. Wonderwoman: single. I receive what I believe. 75. Let us know which of these motivational affirmations inspired you the most. 125. The library, because it has so many stories. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. Steve Martin 99. 54. This might be a work in progress, or you might need to remind yourself of how funny you actually are. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. Here, we are listing down some awesome funny positive affirmations that will bring out serious positive changes in you. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if youre one of them (I bet you are), youre going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from the inside., 11. Most of the articles that Ive written about affirmations are about more serious topics: Lets keep things a little lighter in this article shall we? 68. Lily Tomlin, 242. People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. Enjoy! I never apologize. Life does a pretty good job of keeping us stressed and worried, we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. Theres no stopping me now. Positive mindset affirmations. 274. 7. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. 232. I dont worry about getting older. Whatever the case may be, these 15 affirmations will make you feel confident in your sense of humor: Once youre feeling happy and confident about your sense of humor, use these 35 affirmations to navigate challenging situations with a smile. "Start each day with a positive thought and a grateful heart.". Heres a list of important things to consider: Choosing the perfect affirmation from our list isnt much different. 264. Quotes To Inspire You (MLK), 80 Life Gets Better Quotes To Brighten Your Day (Hope), 50 Bad Luck Quotes When You Feel Ill-Fated. 228. 9. My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. 2. I wish my wallet came with free refills. Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? A backbone. 225. 103. They allow you to focus on the positive and what is working in your life rather than dwelling on the negative. I will shine like fireworks on the Fourth of July. "We . If youre just starting your affirmation journey, you might feel skeptical at first. I am too lazy to be lazy. Im like a postage stamp. 245. Every time you are able to find some humor in a difficult situation, you win., 5. My liver still works. Im not here to judge, Im just pointing out all the mistakes youre making. Never let anyone waste your time twice. When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic. The best things in life are free. 166. 152. 113. If the funny affirmations that Ive put together dont break your cool, then feel free to throw on a comedy special on Netflix or Youtube when you feel stressed. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. - TS Eliot. Every time I like the taste of the food, I am damn sure that its unhealthy for me. I am changing all my useless things into something productive by working on them. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. 210. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? A mind is like a parachute. Use this space for describing your block. Franklin Jones, 259. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. 180. 13. 108. I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade., 14. Albert Einstein My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people., 5. Funny Affirmations. 218. We have rounded up the best collection of funny affirmations, quotes, sayings, captions, positive thoughts (with images and pictures) to encourage friends and family to manifest their thoughts into things. 66. If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. Whether youre saying the affirmations aloud or writing them down, laughing along will only strengthen their effect. 91. Excuse me please, I have to go hide a treasure. If you cant laugh at your own problems, call me and Ill laugh at them. A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. 165. The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way. A quote to live by for when life gets bitter. Jun 19, 2018 - Explore Jamie Hadland's board "funny/sarcastic affirmations" on Pinterest. Steven Alexander Wright 4. 20. I understand success cant happen overnight. Ive got three bones. 173. Because it was soda pressing. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow as well. 276. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. I honor that time. Then you stand in front of the mirror, take a deep breath in, open your mouthwait, this is funny. I am wise enough to make the same mistake again!, 8. 153. 183. The only power you have is the word no. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny., 4. "Being funny doesn't take much effort.". Go to bed with satisfaction.". Life would be tragic if it werent funny too. Live life to the fullest. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. Billy Wilder. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. 73. 266. 195. I might go home today, but I will go bigger tomorrow. 190. Find a quiet place without distractions. 79. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. I love my kids, which means I am doing just fine. 25. Leave me a if you agree! 90. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldnt have a job if he was any smarter. John Gotti, 6. What do computers eat for a snack? Im not arguing, Im just telling you why youre wrong. Here are some tips on how to make the most of using these humorous affirmations: Laughter and affirmations are already powerful separately, so imagine what they can do for you when combined. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. 1. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. Learn sign language, its very handy. 203. If I am willing to go back to bed when I wake up, I will go and make up the bed. Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. Yeah, so is a grenade. Daily affirmation: your hair is so much better than it was in middle school., 2. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. 'Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.'. How can you not like someone who can make you laugh? Well, I guess I have to be odd to be number one. At night, I cant fall asleep. Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. I am lazy till I get a motive. 97. Socrates. 109. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome. 36. Those who snore always fall asleep first. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. The library, because it has so many stories. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk. 7. I havent talked to my wife in three weeks. Check out our funny affirmations selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. I am the sunshine even when its gloomy outside. Putting up with others shit isnt on my To-Do list today. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. When life closes a door, just open it again. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of. Affirmations for wealth can be a great way of getting your thoughts in order and creating a positive outlook. 8. 148. 258. I like expensive things because I learn the act of taking care from them. 145. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. How Do People Share The News About Their Engagements? Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. 74. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. 157. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. However, just saying these statements out loud wont cut it. 76. 44. Stressed spelled backward is desserts. Positive Daily Affirmations for Women. 276. 143. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. "It's only WednesdayHang in there!". You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. Yeah, so is a grenade. Dont let anything or anyone stop you from achieving what you truly aspire. Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. 126. 248. I'm sorry, I have to quickly disable alarm level brown. 193. Why did the can crusher quit his job? Sincerely, the floor. Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. 204. Today, I look at my goals. Pat Sajak, 41. Steven Alexander Wright. My body belongs to me and I can set boundaries around it. I dont need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. "Once you choose hope, anything's possible.". Sometimes the M is silent. 193. Just as importantly, you can benefit from laughter in everyday situations. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. Get help beating negative thinking by reciting positive affirmation every day. "Have a great Wednesday. The following is the list of some humorous affirmations for you: I am doing all the amazing things because I am an amazing human being. 219. Because he was always spotted. A mind is like a parachute. They are a powerful tool you can use to change your attitude, your perspective on life and shift from a negative to a positive mindset. Chris Rock Life is always rocky when youre a gem. 114. Why did the school kids eat their homework? 94. I love it when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today. This is the beauty of funny affirmations. 151. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. 249. I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life. I am grateful for the healing power of humor. Everyone recognizes how positive emotions can affect attitude and overall health. ". Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? 213. It's OK to take a break. 277. In between, I am alive. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. Your life is your message to the world. My past is just a bad book that deserves to be in the trash. Also read: 70+ Positive Affirmations For Teens From Parents. We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. I did it! can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. I believe in what's possible for me. Why was six scared of seven? Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. Finding humor in a difficult situation helps me win. 2. 47. 35. I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. Words have the power to make or break us. If you're going to be thinking, you may as well think big. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. We need to hear a pin drop. Revenge sounds so mean, thats why I prefer to call it Returning the favor.. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome. Its not easy staying motivated for work all the time. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. 221. I experience ease and flow as I navigate my exhilarating life. I dont care! Then, think about how easy it would be to say a simple statement to yourself throughout the day. Education cost money. 1. Positive affirmations aren't about tricking kids into mentally looking at life with eyes that only see what they want to see. It was created to do amazing things. "Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.". I will go out. Begin your days with these powerful, funny affirmations for self-esteem. 11. I havent talked to my wife in three weeks. We have a connection. Who cares about the future? What is Mozart doing right now? I make people laugh, whether its with me or at me., 8. 146. A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. Whatever the case may be, a sense of humor can go a long way toward changing your perspective on negative occurrences in your life. And a funny bone. 191. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment. Nothing, they just waved. 137. Say "Thank you" - A Motivational Video On The Importance Of GratitudeIntro Speech by Denzel Washington (Commencement Speech)Main speech by Fearless Soul "Tha. I might take a nap if I get tired, but I wont quit. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. 47. I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. Betty Reese, 9. Absorb these 41 positive quotes and positive affirmations and start feeling positive now! 154. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. Albert King I can't make everyone happy, I'm not tequila. I am intelligent. In between, I am alive. Life gives the test first and then the lesson. 89. I am constantly growing and improving. Positive affirmations kind of set the way how your day will flow. We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. I am lazy till I get a motive. My feelings are just like acquaintances, they come and go., 5. Sincerely, the floor. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it. 161. 18. It doesnt work if it is not open. Pat Sajak I am grateful for all that I have. I love myself, which is why I dont need to love the idea of other people loving me., 12. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. When affirmations make you feel good about yourself, they are most effective. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. 224. Plus, youre never gonna become funny and charismatic by being afraid to speak your mind. Its okay, he woke up. Happy Birthday.". 235. I feed my spirit. 73. Look, youre smiling! You are good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, and strong enough. 236. 18 Funny Positive Affirmations. 141. We have a connection. When you leave work on Friday, leave work. 136. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way., See also: 120 Best Spiritual Universe Quotes To Contemplate Life. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. It is already tomorrow in Australia.". 239. 56. Funny Friday Quotes. Affirmations are a great way to change your mindset. Today I will embrace the poop., 7. "Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels.". 211. Alexa, please clean the negativity off of my mind please. It has many of the same goals as affirmations, as theyre both associated with positivity and happiness. I should have theme music every time I enter a room. I nourish my body every day. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. Effective pushing often involves poop. 29. 70. So far, so good. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. The thing is, I am still getting ready. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. 81. 58. 188. 132. 7. How do you count cows? Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. Not sure who to credit this meme to, but kudos. A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. Be careful when you follow the masses. I am lazy till I get a motive. Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. I feel great. 20. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. 192. Because seven ate nine. 9. 103. If we shouldnt eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? HAM AND EGGS A days work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig. 205. And their purpose certainly isn't to minimize hard feelings. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. East. Inspiring Quotes About Life "Here, we like to keep you inspired by showing you beautiful words of wisdom based . What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? I tell you what always catches my eye. Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesnt contain any calories. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. 1. I bet giraffes dont even know what farts smell like. 206. You can also share them with your co-workers to put a smile on their faces. Ensure that your actions match your words. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 223. 118. 27. I dont need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. Im not here to judge, Im just pointing out all the mistakes youre making. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

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